Meds Diaries Part 7

My group therapy’s been pushed back a week. THat’s not the issue however – the issue is me applying to become a freelance writer for a website that writes about TV/Movies etc. The thing is, I don’t have enough experience as a article writer to apply.

And even then, that’s not the issue – the issue is coming up with something cool enough to submit.

I’m gonna see if I can come up with something quick now so I have something to help keep me busy during the summer – wish me luck!

Adrienne

the Meds Diaries

Dear WordPress,

I am feeling low today. While me feeling low isn’t a new thing, I am feeling lower than usual.

I missed my Computer Science class today.  It’s a lab, so it ‘s not like I’m missing anything except I am.

What I am missing is time. Time to do homework, time to catch up, time to get my shit back together, time to actually plan what I want to do every day.

I am ambling and I don’t know what to do with myself.  (Tomorrow, the voices say. Tonight. You can manage everything tonight they say)

The voices lie and I am lost.

The Meds Diary 2

Dear Diary,

It’s March 22nd 2017 and whilst it still feels like the end of finals is a million miles away, it’s actually all done for me in a little over a month.

Meanwhile, my generalized anxiety disorder has been mixed in with a side of depression (this might have been in my last update) and I have group therapy starting in a little less than a month as well.

Now, group therapy. Many of you might be thinking: “Oh group therapy, gods. I have to talk to people. I have to tell them everything. 

I’m not sure this is going to be like that. I went to an orientation yesterday and the doctors we’ll be working with have insisted us not telling them everything, for privacy reasons.

Which I get. I’d probably tell my mom or my sister about some of the things someone else said during that group if they said. Which would be disrespectful, in any case.

So. That’s good. I wouldn’t want anything I say that’s extremely personal to get out to other people’s family anyway. Anyways. Yes. I have group therapy starting next month.

And one of the things that we’ll be working on is cognitive behavioral therapy, which I was thinking about doing in a personal notebook of my own.

But I also have a blog. And I also think if I do this online, it would be beneficial for me. I might run into other people online who are going through something similar. It might motivate me into actually thinking more positively.

It might help me….I don’t know how it might help me. But it might. And I might as well start practicing.

Thank you for reading wordpress.

See you next time.

Adrienne

The Meds Diary

Dear Diary,

It’s been 7 months since I’ve started taking citalipram and I must say, I’m not sure I feel any better.

It gives me energy yes, but even then I feel like it’s barely enough. I have energy, yes but even then it’s only enough.

I feel like it’s never going to be enough. I’m just going to love this life without doing anything significant.

Albeit, I have a group thing for my generalized anxiety disorder starting next week which is nice.

However, my timing is terrible which is wont but it can’t be helped. I’ll just have to see if I can miss a midterm and make it up later.

Now to manage the anxiety. 

Wish me luck.

Adrienne

Anxious and overwhelmed

Dear wordpress.

Today I am feeling even more anxious and overwhelmed than normal.

One of the youtubers that I watch on a semi regular basis has recently said that going to school for a creative medium isn’t the best idea because they’re not going to care about me, just about the most recent creative work that I’ve done.

And as an aspiring artist who really hasn’t started much or done much in terms of discovering who I am as a writer or potential film maker, this really hurts.

Like I legitimately don’t know where I’m going.

As a fan watching movies and tv shows, I tune in best with the emotions of a character, especially if said emotions are very strong.

This stems from me being rooted deep in my emotions.I tend to feel things and feel them so strongly it’s paralyzing.

I also can’t seem to separate the anxiety and the calm very well.

That’s gonna read so weird. Even now as I calm down, that reads weird.

I just… I’ll get so caught up in what other people say that I forget that whatever it is I have planned for the future will be my experience and no one else’s.

Everyone else’s experience does not apply to me.

I’ll make of this… something. I just..I can never separate the hysteria from the calm logic..

I dunno. When the hysteria gets high and I try and calm down, nothing gets through. I’ll do the wrong thing even though I know it isn’t.

My brain’s gone wonky.

Like…I feel like if I had at least one regular yoga class or boxing class ( which I do) to do a week, I’ll manage better.

But it’s a matter of following through and that I could never do

Until next time.